Thinking...thinking...thinking....

I've been thinking about things for the last few weeks...leading up to my birthday. I've been thinking about my life, what I want and what can I do to make myself happy. Admittedly I haven't always been thinking clearly and my feelings and headspaces haven't been stable as of late.

I am sad, tired and really lonely at the moment but despite that, I think I may have finally figured out some things that will make me better, live better and be a better person. Least I hope so. I want to be happy and I need to figure out ways of how I can be that whether or not I have company. I want to find happiness and dependence within me and my company because other people wont always have the time, energy or desire to be there when I need someone. I am very independent and competent with a lot of things, with the exception of being emotionally attached to someone. I am not dealing with it ending well and I need to.

I figured out a few things but there are so many that I don't have any answers for and so many things I have yet to forgive myself for. Acting stupid, hurtful, childish and maybe just idiotic. I'm scared and lonely and am trying not to be. There's a lot of things to be happy about.

My friend was right all along. The decision hurts but it is ultimately for the best for the both of us. Now to try and get this friendship back on track. Things wont always be right and there will be hurt and pain but there will also be great, fantastic and wonderful things to look forward to as well.