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depression has landed.

Well....I had an interesting night. Went out to dinner with a friend, no wait, work-mate and it was all rather calm to start and then things get a bit personal and he hits a couple of nails on the head with a mallet, possibly a sledge hammer and I am left feeling...well a bit down and alone. I like this person and I consider him my friend. There are a lot of people that I do like and some I consider friends and his comment tonight made me think...it may not be a two way street for a lot of them. Maybe a lot of these people will one day turn around and discard me when I am no longer of any value to them. Happened once already. It's a really depressing thought. Makes me think, the only person I can count on is me and...I don't find it to be a good thought.

I've helped family, I've helped friends and I have been helped as well. It's comforting to know that there may be some people out there that will lend a hand and it's nice to have the ability to help others but...ultimately I can't really depend on anyone....not when the shit really hits the fan anyway.

I got burned not too long ago, does it hurt: of course. Will this break me: nope. Will there be days down the track that I'll feel sad and shed tears for it: yes. Do I regret my decision: I stand by it. Will I forget: no. Will I get over this: yes. What will happen if our paths cross again: I don't know.

It's my birthday soon. A bit of a contrast from last year. I have nothing planned. Am not really excited about it and don't feel like celebrating that much. This year (and we're not even half-way) has been full of accomplishments and new experiences but with it came a lot of emotional upheavals, trauma and depression. I got broken by 2 people who know me a bit too well. I feel a bit like glass or some other ceramic material. Shattered then I go and put myself back together again. There were a few events that have happened this year that I may never forget, nor do I think i will be allowed to.

I miss training hard. I can't believe am saying this but I miss being pushed to the point of exhaustion and tears and a whole lot of physical pain...it's funny coming to a point I want something else to hurt so much that the emotional hurt is overshadowed by it. A bit melodramatic I admit :)

Anyway, sleep and more work tomorrow. Meh.

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