Losing a Beloved Pet

 

Portrait of Hanzo from 2019.

We lost our most handsome boy, Hanzo a few weeks ago. He was diagnosed with lymphoma (blood cancer) and they found tumours in his stomach. He was sick for a little then he would get better then sick again. He hated going to the vet, it's a stressful time for all of us when he needed to go. We took him to the vet earlier this year but they didn't have the drug to sedate him and then he got better after that before getting sick again. He stopped eating the last few days and we got him to the vet as soon as possible when that happened but as it turned out, there wasn't anything that could be done and it was decided that the kindest thing to do was to let him go before he went through any more pain. 

It has been incredibly hard. Rob and I miss him terribly and there's an emptiness there that doesn't want to go away. I find myself crying every few days when I think of him. 

Little figure I painted of him in 2019.

We got him in early 2017 and we had 8 really good years with him. The most spoilt cat in existence I believe and we gave him the best life we could give him. He was an indoor cat, he had his own couch, slept in the bed with us, had his own office chair...basically free reign of the house. Sometimes it felt like he was the home owner and he existed just to pander to his whims.

This was in 2017, a few months after we got him.

Hanzo was family.  He was always keeping me company when I was at home, while I drew and while I worked. I loved having him as my companion, my distraction and my inspiration.

Not having him sit with me while I draw nowadays feels so lonely.  I miss him being there and judging my work when he wasn't taking credit for it.

If there was a gap in the seat, he took it.

I find myself remembering all his little quirks, how soft his fur was, the sound of his purrs while he kept me company. The judging looks like he's evaluated my work and has found it lacking. It's been hard to keep working and not having teary moments about the lack of his presence. There is a constant feeling that something is missing.

I used him as a model, a lot.            

I drew him a bit too. A lot of unfinished ones

He always kept me company.

There are just so many reminders of him around and I have drawn and been inspired by him over the years. I started painting cat brooches because I was inspired by him in the first place, though I've been a bit too busy to keep working on them. 

First 2 cat brooches I painted

Second cat brooch of Hanzo

I had drawings I don't even remember doing. Over the last few weeks, I gathered up all the photos we had of him, culled them to create an album as a reminder of him. 

Sketch I did maybe 2018

Journal entry from 2018

Seeing the photos reminded me of all his little habits. Like how he would cry and complain when I emptied out the dishwasher, how he didn't mind the old vacuum but hated the new one. How he liked to sit on top of my art work because he seemed to enjoy the feel of paper underneath him. How he had 2 favourite toys that he would drag up the hallway before bed. That he preferred crinkly toy versus toys that squeaked. That he would beg for food and be the "bestest boy" when Rob was cooking but he didn't want to eat any of the food offered anyway because he only wanted to eat kibble and crunchy treats. That he wasn't scared of strangers but didn't want them around. How he was jealous of anything else that took our attention including my lucky cat collection.  His soft fur and his even softer belly. What a grouch he was. All the little things that made him, him. 

Sitting on a currently abandoned project from 2024

The picture below was one of our last drawing on the couch, cuddle time ever. I know it's a natural thing to think about how I should have hugged him more, spent more time with him. His death was pretty sudden. We really did take him to the vet hoping we could find out what was wrong with him, hopefully give him the surgery or meds he needed and we could take him home, it was a bit of a shock when the vet told us that he was pretty much terminal. I know we did what was best for him even though I really wanted more time with him at home but I couldn't stand the idea of him being in pain any more than he was already and continuing that. Letting him go was so hard and I still think about it now. I know it hasn't been that long since it happened but it still hurts and I imagine that it will hurt for a while still.  

He was so angry when he was in his carrier. Absolutely furious and I was the last one to see him lively and livid when I left him to get checked by the vet in that morning.  I just really hope he knew how much we loved him and that we only took him to the vet for his own good and how much we didn't want to let him go.

We will get a new cat in the future but "new kitty" will never replace what we had with Hanzo and it will be a while till we stop grieving for him. 

Last drawing time with Hanzo